The Return To Innocence

The replacement medical dog tag, which features the main medical conditions that essentially encompass most other syndromes - cerebral palsy and autism have so many comorbidities and associated disorders that most medics will get the idea.




It came via a website called Sticky Jewelry. They're pretty awesome, and affordable. This came with a free cleaning chamois cloth and a free medical identification card on which to fill out vital information, like emergency contact, physician phone number, prescriptions, blood type.

The pendant I attached it to is an Etsy-bought custom-made ouroboros pentacle with an amber stone. It has a lot of power for me. Also, it's a fun stim.

Some people have been asking me why I wear so many specific bracelets in varied order. It isn't because the stones are beautiful, though they are. It is for neuromuscular and sensory processing balance. See, since my left arm, affected by spastic ataxic cerebral palsy, often feels ghost-like, I wear multiple gemstone stretch bracelets to give weight to that arm, so I can feel that weight, look at my arm, and think, Oooh, pretty stones, and oh, right, I should use this arm. Raw amber, charoite, lepidolite, kyanite, tourmaline.
On my right wrist, the balancing act is more of a counterweight. The raw amber, polished amber, fluorite, and lepidolite help me concentrate on my total physicality. I am inside my mind too much. My body needs me just as much, even more.
It is the same reason I wear gemstone rings: charoite, lepidolite, seraphinite, kyanite - the gemstones that work best for me, alongside amber resin. On my left hand are my green gold wedding ring and my inherited yellow gold band. On my right hand is my heirloom engagement ring. I need balance, once again. So I wear a ring on my left index finger and two rings on my right middle finger. Balance is vital for me with my particular set of neurological damages. It helps that all these stones have metaphysical properties that work perfectly for me.









I do wish my left hand would not tremble so badly, even when propped against a surface. But that is what I live with and I respect it while I seek to improve and strengthen it.

Also, we went to the Ranger Surplus in Bethesda. After a long conversation with an employee about cerebral palsy, I wound up with a pair of Army boots that should help stabilize me well enough. And now the employee knows to suggest such boots to people with certain disabilities. I feel as if I made a friend and helped some sort of cause.
Rothco Jungle Boots. Oh damn, these are comfortable. Thank you husband, and thank you awesome employee at Ranger Surplus Bethesda who got into a whole fantastic conversation with me about cerebral palsy and good shoes. (Size 4 men's, which would be a size 6 women's for me. Yup. Awesome.)
A pair of Doc Martens Boots and a pair of Rothco Jungle Boots. Fitted with strong, comfy insoles. Oh, I have never been so excited about lace up military style boots. It is also a great and good challenge for my fine motor coordination issues.

And: Today has been a busy and awesome day so far. Brunch to celebrate my best friend's birthday, with nearly two dozen dear friends I haven't seen in months and years. I drank half a beer, even. It tasted like chocolate and caramel. The pills, including Soma and Klonopin, have helped me be in much less pain and much more social. My friends are amazing. I must socialize more often, truly.

Energy flowing between two people can be so extraordinary that it can energize in fascinating ways. So thank you, Jess, for helping me stay steady and stable in the midst of my own chaos. I hope the charoite pendant I gave you is helping you in as many ways as possible, even charged with my own humming wild fluid chaotic energy. We must absolutely get together again and talk about it all.
I've decided to wear pendants of lepidolite and chaorite together, along with the three lepidolite bracelets and the three charoite rings. They do calm and energize me in fantastically intense ways that I want to explore completely.

Research time, extremely. I must figure out if these bodywide spasms and twitches are due to cerebral palsy hypertonic spasticity, muscle fatigue from either or both cerebral palsy and or fibromyalgia, seizure auras primarily displaying motor and autonomic simple partial seizures, physical coldness, or plain exhaustion. I would consider all of the above, since cerebral palsy and epilepsy love to dance together like whirling dervishes.

I am very drained and tired, but I am still filled with social energy from the parties. I didn't realize that was a thing. My aura things are still buzzing and humming. This is fascinating. I need to analyze it. I had no idea I could be exhausted and still energized in such a specific psychic way.
I guess I must again thank Jess for her calming energy. My energy is always rushing, moving, streaming, even when I am fully tranquil. Something inside me is always moving faster and more intensely than I ever could, and I can rarely catch up with it. I still don't understand what it is.

Dude, magnolia bark makes for awesome sleep, but also for the most insane, bizarre, wild dreams ever. I even remember parts. I can't even begin to describe last night's biggest dream. I barely understood it while I was dreaming and I certainly cannot understand it while awake. After waking up, for about twenty minutes I had absolutely no proprioception and I wondered if I was still dreaming. That was not the fault of the 400 mg of magnolia, though, that was just cerebral palsy insanity. Damn brain damage.

Dear dreams: Please continue to be awesome, but try to tone it down just a little. Maybe some less creepy and grotesque imagery.

I love getting gifts in exchange for giving gifts.

So, a dear online jeweler friend of mine customized a very personal ring for me: kyanite in the center, lepidolite and charoite on either side, wrapped in silver wire. She also made me another ring with a center charoite stone and two lapis lazuli side stones.
Another friend made me a citrine bracelet and a lepidolite bracelet. Another friend will be sending me unpolished Baltic amber bracelets. From another friend, I'll be getting Reiki-infused bracelets of blue kyanite and multi-color tourmaline.

I am highly metaphysical and spiritual about gemstones and minerals, so wearing all these stones against my skin actually causes my mind and body to react in amazing, wonderful ways. Some people will tell me it is all a simple placebo effect; I will accept that, having been raised by an atheist skeptic. But if gemstone energy helps me in any way, then more power to it, literally.

http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/lepidolite.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/charoite.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/kyanite.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/citrine.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/amber.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/lapislazuli.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/tourmaline.htm

Favorite gemstones, for my memory, which are all featured in my current jewelry:

Amber. Kyanite. Diamond. Lepidolite. Opal. Selenite. Tourmaline. Topaz. Fluorite. Jade. Pearl. Citrine. Copper. Silver. Gold.

http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/index.htm#A

Also, I do attach metaphysical, psychic, and spiritual significance, whether it works or not. I've always done that. I'm shiny like that.

I see color everywhere. I taste color everywhere. I hear, sense, feel, and connect with color. I cannot imagine a world, any world, without color, even in my dreams, even without my eyes. I speak in color. Everything I touch makes me explode in color.

People ask me why I can't use my mild psychic skills to 'heal' myself. I still have trouble explaining exactly why that is not possible. I can only pull, manifest, and manipulate elemental colors and cosmic colors so much.
I do not expect people to know what I mean. My perceptions are my own. However, I know many people who understand what I mean.

"It's something about the color..."
It's always something about the color.

Often, I dream in octarine, the color of magic. Everything is magic, and everything is color, and color shows me the depths of the universe that I cannot fully reach, not until I join that cosmic wave, full of indescribable colors that define what it means to exist.

This is why religion will never work for me. Not enough color. Not enough expansion. Too much external force. I need more color. I need more inside. I need my whole brain, which cannot happen unless the dead white matter and the damaged neurons somehow move again.

I am my own connection to whatever forces move existence. I am responsible for my own existence. My Higher Brain, my Subconscious, my Quantum Psychic Brain, and my Self are working together to create the most intense positive energy I have ever realized.

My transformation will come only from within myself. I am waiting. I am moving in directions that feel so right to me, no matter what external forces claim. I am opening myself to every past hurt, every negative feeling, and shifting them into the light. It it is a constant cycle, and it hurts so much that sometimes I cannot handle it. Meditative techniques are like lifelines.

The important thing is that I keep going. I keep growing. That is what matters. I am following the colors. I am the colors. I am made of light.

Bright eyed, bushy haired, bright colors, babbling due to painkillers and happy muscle relaxants and healing gemstones and all that weird pseudoscience silliness that I believe in despite my atheist agnostic upbringing.

I've been pagan since I was a teenager, so hah. Polyagnostic polytheist pantheist eclectic witch who will believe even if proven completely wrong. Even when my atheist skeptic parents insist that it's just my brain and that psychic powers don't exist, I will agree because that is true, too. There are so many truths out there. I love quantum everything.
See, I follow the Discworld concept: Even if a deity manifests in front of be and insists it is a great god, I will tell it "That's nice. Just because you exist doesn't mean I believe in you. I believe in my Higher Brain smushed with my Subconscious, which you possibly came from. But since you are here, let's party anyway. Red wine?"

I also follow the concept laid out by Neil Gaiman in "American Gods." I firmly believe that Man created God, and the Universe created both Man and God, and all gods everywhere sprang fully formed from Man's brain because Man's brain is more complex and extreme than we can ever conceive. The universe is bigger than everything. And we are all made of bits of the universe, and if we create a belief system with gods and spirits and entities, the cosmic consciousness of the Universe will go, "Huh, they really want this stuff, don't they? Well, shit, why not?" And the bits of our brains connected to the Universe will make our gods and entities real to those of us who truly want and desire the realities of those gods and entities. Like, our Higher Brains and our Subconscious Brains smash together to create a whole knew kind of brainpower, with psychic knowledge and spiritual knowledge and such.

So. I believe that humans can be psychic. I have had psychic experiences myself.
But I am actually skeptical whenever someone says they can easily predict the future. Time is always moving, see. The future is extremely fluid and rather non-Newtonian, simultaneously. No one person can consistently know the exact future without fail, because every possible future is slippery and plastic (not the polymer plastic, the physics type of plasticity: "In physics and materials science, plasticity describes the deformation of a material undergoing non-reversible changes of shape in response to applied forces. For example, a solid piece of metal being bent or pounded into a new shape displays plasticity as permanent changes occur within the material itself. In engineering, the transition from elastic behavior to plastic behavior is called yield.").
So, precognitives can see several futures at once, but it's all flexible. Like, predicting lottery numbers would be rather implausible. Knowing a precise fixed group of numbers at an exact time in a specific future is really hard to nail down. That's why the classic skeptic question "Well, why haven't any psychics won a big lottery?" is essentially technically correct. It's hard to nail down such a small, specific thing. And then there is seeing a changeable future: Seeing bits of a future that can be prevented or altered. Is that actually predicting the future? Which future is it predicting if the predicted future was changed? I do believe in forms of precognition. It's just that precognition in general is so hard to pin down all the time.
See how complex it all is? It's like quantum physics. Psionics really is no different from deep quantum physics. Can we truly prove what we cannot see or measure? I completely believe in clairvoyance, telepathy, retrocognition, psychometry, communication with the dead, and other such powers. It's all quantum, and the human brain is quantum and insanely complicated.

And I have also always believed in All The Gods, so whenever someone asks me if I believe in God, I always ask "Which one?" which leads to confusion and people thinking I'm, like, evil or something and must be saved or whatever that means. *shrug* I don't care. I like what I like and I don't want to push it on anyone because my faith is mine and your faith is yours.

I just ask that you please please do not attempt to convert me to Christianity, because nope nope nope. I am fully Pagan, as I have said. But I am also Jewish on my mother's side, which makes me fully Jewish*... and I know that Christianity is a Jewish heresay: Yeshua (that Jesus guy) was just a highly intelligent Jewish man who explored various belief systems, including paganism and Buddhism and Hinduism and such, and then returned to talk about it all, since he was never part god, he was just a very good human orator with mild psychic abilities.
*(I should add that my heritage is also Russian/Romanian/Hungarian on Mom's side, with Sicilian/Greek on Dad's side. So I would say that I'm Jewish with Sicilian, Greek, Russian, Romanian, and Hungarian heritage. I choose to have no part in the Jewish religion or culture, but I have deep respect for said culture.)

So, no. I am who I am and if you leave me alone I will not roll my eyes and facepalm at you. I love you all, I always will... but I can love everyone without being bothered by proselytizing. Love is love is love is love. There is no wrong or right, there is only love. Also books. Books are love. Stories create us the way we create stories.

Cosmetics and color, they make me feel happy. I won't be wearing any makeup to court tomorrow, my hair will be loose, and I know I will look as sick as I feel.
But today I applied organic skincaring concealer, lash-healthy mascara, lip-plumping gloss, and dammit if I don't at least look decent on the outside. A bright blue tee shirt, comfortable blue jeans that are really capris, boots with cushiony insoles.
Baltic amber bead bracelets on both wrists (honey on the right, cognac on the left). Deep teal kyanite copper ring on the left index finger. Dark blue kyanite pendant wrapped in copper on a gold chain. Silver pentacle ring on the right middle finger. Wedding rings and engagement ring in place. These are my talismans and my amulets. I draw strength from them. I will wear them tomorrow, because I will bare everything and strip myself raw, and then afterward I will let my talismans pull me back together piece by piece. And then I will fall asleep. And when I wake up, I will let everyone know the outcome. When I can think again. When I feel sane again.

My three favorite gemstones: amber, kyanite, tourmaline. I'm not sure how well this works, but I like it so far.



Currently, I have a copper bracelet embedded with a large rainbow obsidian, made by Adam. I cherish rainbow obsidian and copper.

In my private little branch of agnostic eclectic polytheistic pagan belief system, I'm big on gemstones helping to enhance and guide my magics and such. It's hard to find a pendant that offers pentacle plus amber and kyanite and tourmaline, so I'll see how this triple pendant thing makes me feel. I just need to remember to remove it before sleeping and showering. I'm still figuring out how to magically charge the whole thing in a pagany type way.

My three favorite gemstones: amber, kyanite, tourmaline. I'm not sure how well this works, but I like it so far.



Currently, I have a copper bracelet embedded with a large rainbow obsidian, made by Adam. I cherish rainbow obsidian and copper.

In my private little branch of agnostic eclectic polytheistic pagan belief system, I'm big on gemstones helping to enhance and guide my magics and such. It's hard to find a pendant that offers pentacle plus amber and kyanite and tourmaline, so I'll see how this triple pendant thing makes me feel. I just need to remember to remove it before sleeping and showering. I'm still figuring out how to magically charge the whole thing in a pagany type way.