The Return To Innocence

I must quote this, because it struck me deeply and knocked me over and stunned me and amazed me.

*****
From: naamah_darling.
I don't know if I can explain it, any more than I can explain why I find anyone amazing, but you're open about what you are and what you are going through. You don't expend energy trying to be normal, and you never seem to even want to. You aren't afraid of what you ARE, even when the things that HAPPEN, sometimes because of things that you are, are scary. You seem sometimes scared of things that happen or that you (body/chemistry) do to you, but not scared of yourself, really. You're fierce. You're . . . we don't have a word for it. The way in which children and animals are alike, that we *call* innocence, but isn't innocence, it's just a kind of transparency and guilelessness-without-cluelessness. You're contradictory, and this isn't a problem. You've imposed . . . not order . . . but some sort of reason and meaning and story on the chaos in your life, and you have made beautiful things out of it inside you. You persist. You change, you are not destroyed. You're mercurial, joyful in the sense of being flat-out at everything you feel and not in the sense of being always happy, you're generous, you're very kind, you're forgiving. You aren't afraid to spend a lot of time working with and understanding yourself, because you know that is important. You are more people than just-the-one-you you. You are comfortable working with shape and meaning and color, when words aren't good enough. Whole parts of you are indescribable. You're a *good person*, while still being strong and fierce, and that is overwhelmingly obvious to anyone with half a synapse. You belong in fairy tales, like so many of the rest of us, writing better endings. You're kind of amazing.

And tangentially, THAT is why when people are all like "disabled people are so inspirational!" I get kinda pissed on the grounds of "THESE PEOPLE THAT I KNOW, they are SO MUCH MORE than a stepping stone for your ego or a friendly reassurance that hey, if those people can manage to get themselves to a beach/a gym/on a horse, you have a good chance of not being an utter asshole failure your entire life, and accomplishing REALLY important things!" and at the same time am like "No, really, we ARE inspirational; you have no fucking idea how 'inspirational' the disabled folks I know are . . . and if you had one iota of their self-awareness you might not be saying such asinine crap."
You want to find disabled people "inspirational?" I'll accept that . . . if what you are finding "inspirational" is their honesty in speaking out and sharing their opinions, their desire to help others, their weapons-grade swearing vocabulary (so many disabled people I know HAVE THAT, it's glorious), their ability to incorporate something literally disabling into their self-image and life when our culture gives them limited scripts and limited opportunities, their persistence in navigating the obstacles placed in front of them not by what they are, but by how our culture and the many dickheads in it unwittingly and often VERY DELIBERATELY make it harder to do so, the fact that they are often poor as dirt but are the most generous people you will ever meet, that they have known pain and so they often know great compassion.

*THAT* SHIT IS INSPIRATIONAL.

So is persistence, yes, which is why I am always impressed when I see someone who has had to deal with major issues accomplish something that is made particularly difficult BY those issues SPECIFICALLY, but when that sort of thing is nearly always ONLY praised in the context of visible, physical disability, or when it's some completely unrelated shit, that pisses me off.

It's like . . . people are apparently impressed by when disabled people do anything *while smiling*, because that indicates the triumph of overcoming our miserable existence? Or that we have a good enough attitude to forget, for a moment, that we are fucked up and are supposed to be miserable constantly? I don't even KNOW. But these same people aren't finding me inspirational when I'm at my blackest and am hanging on by my last claw, which is arguably when I am being my MOST BADASS. That's when I need to be pulling up my bootstraps and thinking my way out of it with sunshine and baby kisses. But an ungroomed, exhausted, surrounded by laundry, not moving, fat, blotchy, cat-strewn DEPRESSED person staring at a computer screen or TV or at nothing in particular doesn't look good in a facebook picture. "This person: probably exercising more willpower not to give up hope and eat a bullet than you will exercise at any point in your whole life. Stop. Bitching. That. Your. Yoga. Is. Hard." <---- Nobody wants that. (And, while maybe sometimes true, it's also kinda dickly, because Suck Olympics are uncool. The things that have made me most miserable sometimes do not seem to be proportional or make sense. To wit, the hour-long crying jag I had when my last pet scorpion died, years ago. Dude, I cried less painfully when my GRANDMOTHER died. What even the HELL?)

All I know is that the shit people usually talk about as being inspirational is not really very inspirational to me. Like, *if* it's true that Chris Evans really does have anxiety/panic attacks (never read reliable info about how severe his "problems with anxiety" are, though he apparently went into therapy) and he still navigated two MONSTROUS blockbuster movies and associated press events, I find that totally fucking impressive, because I KNOW WHAT THAT IS LIKE, and I know I couldn't handle it. And that's the stuff people don't seem to understand. That's the stuff people latch on to and *make fun of.* Because people who don't Get It can be real dicks about that stuff.
*****
I truly believe that if Namaah and I lived closer, we would see each other several times a week and never get tired of each other's company.
My husband once told me that everyone has multiple soulmates, that a soul can be split into many different parts. I think Namaah may be one of my soulmates. It took me five years to realize that, and that's okay. I like to take things slowly.

Here, we have the ultimate expression and meaning of the winter holidays.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyQz8jWAl7s

I have been singing "Soft Kitty" to myself for a while. There is technically only one reason to sing that song, but I have at least three, all of which were mentioned by Penny in the episode where Sheldon had to care for her. I have also been attempting to sing it as a round with myself.
*PAIN SADFACE*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqSmzGj_sQc

Seriously, though. Yesterday was the beginning of the six-day Roman celebration Saturnalia. Yay Saturn, blah blah blah. I'm going to leave a little tiny something for each Greek and Roman god, be it a physical offering or a psychic offering. And then when Winter Solstice and Yule come around, more offerings to Gaia and the rebirth of the Sun God.
http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/saturnalia/a/saturnalia.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturnalia
http://www.earthwitchery.com/yule.html
http://wicca.com/celtic/akasha/yule.htm

Also, once more for clarification, I am not Wiccan at all and never will be. Wiccan is a very specific, very young religion, which took bits and pieces of old pagan faiths and mixed them up until Gerald Gardner felt satisfied. Wicca has unfortunately become the main path new pagans turn to when they have no idea what to do, and such become "fluffy bunny" pagans, focusing only on the "light" and "good" stereotypes of magic and witchcraft, which is very cute and laughable. Unfortunately, Wicca's reputation has mostly been taken over by fluffies, I think; I haven't paid much attention. Any Wiccans here want to set the record straight, please?

I am eclectic pagan with firm faith in polytheism, pantheism, natural magic, elemental magic, personal magic, chthonic magic, shamanism, animism, and humanistic paganism. Which is funny, because humanistic paganism would probably cancel out the magic part, but there are a few humanistic pagans who practice magic with a scientific bent, like my husband.
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wildhunt/2012/08/guest-post-humanist-paganism-on-the-rise.html

I forget my main point... but I wish everyone a Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Yule, Io Saturnalia, Merry Christmas, and Blessed Solstice. I am one of those people who just won't care what you you believe in or worship as long as you don't shove it at me, attempt to convert me, or proselytize at me. And oh, yes, that does include paganism, Wicca, and other nature-based faiths. There is a reason I am so eclectic.

I am writing this revealing post because my Psychic Quantum Consciousness smacked me with Get Well (apply directly to the forehead) and I am finally feeling human. Ish?

My nap refreshed me slightly. So did pain drugs and herbs.
Then I decided to paint my nails twice over: first with Sally Hansen Nailgrowth Polish in Divine Wine and then with Revlon Top Speed Polish in Dress Code.
The Nailgrowth formula will help my nails grow stronger (biotin, peptides, chondroitin, keratin, silk powder). The Top Speed formula will help my nails stay healthy (minerals, gemstone powders, vitamins, silk powder, keratin).
My nails are shimmery metallic dark violet, with shimmery golden dark red bleeding through beneath. I was surprised by the beauty of Dress Code, which is much more purple than Decadent (indigo violet) and more shimmery. Revlon is really good with nail colors. The fascinating thing is how the dark red and dark violet shades are merging as the polishes finish drying. (I am also pretty sure "Dress Code" may also be named "Violet" as the Revlon site does not have a polish color called Dress Code in the Top Speed line, but the shade Violet looks exactly like Dress Code.)
http://www.drugstore.com/sally-hansen-nailgrowth-miracle-nail-color-divine-wine/qxp348841?catid=196092
http://www.drugstore.com/revlon-top-speed-fast-dry-nail-enamel-violet-670/qxp331984?catid=183598
I had also applied makeup this afternoon, since brightening concealer used as foundation and dark red lipgloss made me look a little less ill and exhausted. I felt like an alien, but a pretty alien.

Beautiful colors do help take my mind of how terrible I am feeling.
Eventually I will stop feeling terrible and start feeling, um, in less pain? and now I am finally, finally starting to climb out of this bizarre depressive episode that has been like a rabbit hole lined with steel thorns.
Combined with one of the most severe fibromyalgia attacks in recent months or even years plus attacks from the various sydromes associated with spastic ataxic cerebral palsy, the depression shattered me for quite a while. I am deeply grateful that it began lifting just as I desperately wanted to lie on my psychic battlefield in a deep pool of my own psychic blood, too tired and too drained to keep fighting, willing to let my pain monsters grab me and take me like a trophy to wherever they live when not hunting. I didn't feel alarmed enough to call my doctors, I just felt desperate to sleep for a day straight until I felt human again. I honestly don't know what it's like to feel so darkly depressed, but I would probably admit I was getting fairly close.

All I can say is that I really am feeling better, covered in sunlight and moonlight with healing powers, since I am a witch and a pagan after all. And I can thank every friend I have for helping me, whether they knew it or not. And I can also thank my Higher Brain and my Subconscious combined, which I like to call the Psychic Quantum Consciousness, because quantum brains are cool.

See this entry for various explanations and stuff: http://brightrosefox.livejournal.com/1570608.html

Do we create the world just by looking at it?

This got me thinking about what writers do when we create fictional worlds.
Some authors because so enamored of their characters that they start believing those characters are real. I mean really Real, like friends that the author needs to buy birthday gifts for (seriously, a certain female author of urban fantasy apparently does this).
There are writers who love their characters, pretend to mentally have conversations with the characters to get the plot moving, mentally act out the character's personalities, get sad when characters die, even argue with characters when a storyline isn't going as planned. I do this all the time. It helps with the world building. I love my characters very very much, and often get emotional over them. But I don't see the characters as Real. They're fictional. I made them up.
But maybe they exist now, because I created them; maybe they all live in a separate reality out of my head, connected to me, that I access through my writing.

I think there are more realities than people believe. The realities that each of us perceive, alone, for example. Yes, the couch is blue. Everyone who looks at the couch can see that. But each and every person who looks at that couch might see it a little differently. Maybe different shades of blue. Maybe strands of other colors woven into the fabric.
I certainly think that reality is subjective up to a point. It's when people break from the general basic reality, start living in their own realities, ignoring the reality around them, that the problems start. It's not quite the same as spiritual or religious perception, which is based on a unique kind of faith. But I really do think that we can alter the world in certain ways using our personal perceptions.

Do we create the world just by looking at it?

This got me thinking about what writers do when we create fictional worlds.
Some authors because so enamored of their characters that they start believing those characters are real. I mean really Real, like friends that the author needs to buy birthday gifts for (seriously, a certain female author of urban fantasy apparently does this).
There are writers who love their characters, pretend to mentally have conversations with the characters to get the plot moving, mentally act out the character's personalities, get sad when characters die, even argue with characters when a storyline isn't going as planned. I do this all the time. It helps with the world building. I love my characters very very much, and often get emotional over them. But I don't see the characters as Real. They're fictional. I made them up.
But maybe they exist now, because I created them; maybe they all live in a separate reality out of my head, connected to me, that I access through my writing.

I think there are more realities than people believe. The realities that each of us perceive, alone, for example. Yes, the couch is blue. Everyone who looks at the couch can see that. But each and every person who looks at that couch might see it a little differently. Maybe different shades of blue. Maybe strands of other colors woven into the fabric.
I certainly think that reality is subjective up to a point. It's when people break from the general basic reality, start living in their own realities, ignoring the reality around them, that the problems start. It's not quite the same as spiritual or religious perception, which is based on a unique kind of faith. But I really do think that we can alter the world in certain ways using our personal perceptions.