brightrosefox: (Default)
And now something is happening in my brain, and I cannot pinpoint it well enough. It could be another wave of depression, or a wave of panic, or a wave of just... I don't know. I have two dozen medical issues; pick something. It feels as though my brain is physically spasming. My amygdala feels weird, as though it wants to say something and cannot remember.

Adam is off again, so he can take me to my pain specialist, and then maybe we can go to Barnes & Noble so he can get me the Twilight Sparkle plushie to go along with the Fluttershy vinyl doll that he brought home from New York City along with bagels.

We made chocolate chunk cookies, with cream cheese instead of butter. We practiced Reiki. Adam is what I like to call a raw magic mimic. All he has to do is watch someone perform an energy form and he can re-create it in raw form. Like when he was in New York, a random monk brushed past him and slipped a wood bead bracelet around his wrist, whispering, "peace to you, mage" - and with that touch, Adam absorbed that energy, and when he came home he touched me in concentration and I felt so much calm and serenity that it was almost like being high. I guess it's kind of like being Peter Petrelli, or Rogue as she can now control her powers. He can call the energy at will. I'm envious. I need to to that for myself. But maybe I can't. Maybe it wouldn't work if I tried it on myself. Maybe the energy would only move outwards. We shall have to discuss the physics and chemistry and neurobiology behind it.

We've replaced the coffee grinder. It is black. Black fridge-freezer, black big freezer, black oven with black microwave range, black dishwasher. All we need is a black Mr Coffee and a black can opener.

I love my Chobani Lime Greek Yogurt.

Yeah, it's a depression. With a slowly stalking panic attack. Regarding my previous post: I definitely would want a cure for that. It is strangling.
brightrosefox: (Default)
And this is the thing about major depression that many people don't realize, understand, or believe.
You can really, actually feel a kind of happiness, you can laugh and joke and feel uplifted. It's just that sometimes it feels horribly fake to you, or that once it's all over you feel shame and guilt and worse sadness.
When they say laughter is medicine, it is absolutely true. But when you are in a clinical depression episode, laughter can often feel strange and uncertain and alien. I do it anyway. I have to. I find things to make me laugh. I ask people to tell me great jokes. I look for hilarious things on YouTube, like this one, a filk mock-up of "Hey There Delilah" called "Hey There Chthulhu" - certainly brilliant. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ut82TDjciSg
Or maybe those mock-ups of songs from Portal the game (which I've never played). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4U_RvUYINpo

And naturally there are my favorite television programs, the ones that make me laugh, comedy or not.

The important thing for me is that during an episode, I try to keep my mood as elevated as I can. Because sinking deeper and deeper makes it so much more difficult to feel better, to get well, to recover, to treat myself, to get help. Even just writing reminders to laugh at certain things can help me.

But above all: Yes, you can laugh and be social and be happy while depressed. What happens on the inside various from person to person. I can only speak for myself.

Migraine and fibromyalgia flare can't help. Bah.
brightrosefox: (Default)
I stretched the hell out of my back and legs and arms. It was lovely. I did it my way. I am very pleased and very satisfied. I won't discuss the various burning barbed wire pains that are distracting me even through the codeine, but I will talk about the beautiful meditative exercises I've been working with. Peaceful, serene, tranquil, calm, relaxing, refreshing, fantastic in multiple ways. The scene always changes, but always appears Zen in some way.
I had mentioned that my human coping mechanisms, my spirit guardians, had begun communicating with each other deep in my brain without my conscious knowledge, which leads me to believe that parts of my brain are starting to come together as part of the story, as my unlimited imagination and writerbrain is starting working on a whole new, amazingly unique, private story all on its own. No wonder I have been working on Amber's story beyond these bits of my brain. Amber has also given me free reign to write her as a fully developed character and not just a created coping mechanism.
In general, I am just... very happy.
And the funny thing is that I am in a depressive episode. I have all the symptoms, and I am quite conscious and aware. But I have things that are helping distract me: Talking about my imagination and my creativity, talking about the triggers for my panic attacks and my simple seizures, talking about comedy TV shows and powerful fiction books. Somehow it all is able to keep the major depression away, although it is a very intense fight. Sometimes I find myself weak and struggling, even physically, as thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness, frustration and terror, pessimism and guilt all slam into me and my wall and my shell.
I suppose I could say I am happy. I feel happy.
But... what is happiness?
"Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy." Sure, I feel those things. However, there is a strong undercurrent of the exact opposite.
Brains, man. Brains are wild. Brains are weird. Brains are so complex. One day, I want to have an MRI and see exactly what my brain is doing. I want to sit with multiple brain specialists for hours on end, and just... talk. I want to talk about my brain.
Brains, man.
brightrosefox: (Default)
Brains, man. Brains are weird.
Early this morning I woke in smack in the middle of another panic attack. Crying like a cornered wounded panther kitten and everything. No reason at all. But then I realized that whatever wanted to eat me couldn't fit through the little cave I was huddled in. So I did that breathing exercise that Beca taught me: breathe in golden light, all through the spine up through the crown, breathe out silver light from the spine, don't stop breathing.
And then of course came the complex partial seizure. Because brains, man.
But! I had some crazyweird fantastic "visions" while in the seizure. Alicia's Wonderland dimension in my mind is becoming really elaborate.
She mentioned talking to Amara, and when I came out of the seizure all I could think was "Wait, what? But my brain guardians don't talk to each other like that. I mean, okay, Amara handles every neurological and psychiatric fuckedness outside of epilepsy, but still. Amara doesn't talk to Alicia. Not even Serena talks to Alicia. Alicia doesn't go outside of the Wonderland gateway. Why are they talking to each other?"
Brains, man. I swear. I think this is some sort of representation of my whole brain trying to come together and work out solutions. All my private human-faced coping mechanisms (Alicia, seizures; Serena, pain and fatigue; Amara, neurology and psychology; Amber, systemwide maintenance) finally mechanizing cope as a giant bodywide thing, maybe.
Shrug. Brains. I don't know. They're weird.

Anyway. Those with unusual coping mechanisms will get it. You know. The coping mechanisms born out of made up fictional characters. Because why not. Because brains are weird. You know. Like a giant pod of interdimensional psychic dolphins circling a solar system and constantly communicating the gossip around the universe. Because dolphins are cool like that.
What?

planetdolphinlove
brightrosefox: (Default)
http://ursulav.livejournal.com/1541152.html

And as I look into the faces of my cats and as I struggle to imagine my world without them... Oh, I can't finish.
Be loving. Be kind. If it takes magical thinking, do it.

Some time ago, an old acquaintance was attacked via a friend's Facebook post, because the acquaintance wrote a poem about the Boston marathon bomber, questioning the killer's motives, expressing sadness and confusion. The friend had lost her cousin, who was one of the three initial casualties, and was very raw and full of grief and ready to lash out at anything. I don't think she even read the poem - in fact, the only reason the poem got her attention was because it was reported on Fox News and spun as "a love poem to the bomber" when it clearly was not... and my friend, normally gentle and kind, flew into a wild howling rage directed solely toward the poet. I thought it was unnecessary and inappropriate, as I knew the poet and knew her mind. My friend probably never read the poem and thus never realized that the poem was never truly about the bomber and not in any positive or supportive light.
But then I realized that people will have knee jerk reactions to everything without seeking any truth, and I let it go. I let it all go and I became Zen, and I realized that this was humanity, full of emotional power and extremity. And all I could do was handle my own emotional reactions. Even during episodes of mental illness, even during times of grief... it belonged to me and nobody else. And I promised myself that I would not get involved in angry disputes unless I saw someone I knew being blatantly attacked, and then I would merely step in, say good things about the assaulted person, and back away. It is all I can do. If I myself am attacked for my sympathy, it is not on me, and the immaturity of the attackers is not my issue to deal with.
I have realized over the months and years that I cannot do much for anyone who wants to believe specific things that might hurt other people. "This person is horrible because they said this thing I disagree with" or "I hate this person because they are affiliated with that person" or "All these people are the same, and I don't care about the people on the edge of the group who don't share the main beliefs of the group because they still affiliate themselves with the group." Painting entire groups with a single brush is one of my pet peeves, anyway.

I will stop now. I've run out of words there. It doesn't matter.

I have too many books to read, so I'll just keep going with the one I'm in the middle of right now...
brightrosefox: (Default)
A wild anxiety attack. The beginnings of a migraine. Muscles actually feeling loose and relaxed in a fabulous way, which is probably in part due to the baclofen and tramadol, but close enough. A twinge of ulnar nerve entrapment. Some right knee swelling. A bit of hemiparesis. Some eczema and xeroderma itchiness. The beginnings of a mild major depression episode.

I will go snuggle my cats as much as they will allow. Several online acquaintances just dealt with the deaths of their cats (some peacefully in sleep, some hurried to the emergency vet). Sometimes I force myself to imagine what would happen if Jupiter, Luna, or Rose died. Owning a cat is owning a tragedy waiting to happen, as my parents say. But love... love lasts. Loving a cat is beyond anything in the universe.

I'm still reading "The Night Circus" by Erin Morgenstern. It is so beautiful. I still need to finish less heavy books, like "Between" by Kerry Schafer, "Dead Ever After" by Charlaine Harris, "The Darkest Kiss" by Gena Showalter, a new copy of "The Tower And The Hive" by Anne McCaffrey (all my Rowan series books have fallen apart by now), "The Winter Oak" by James Hetley, "Twilight's Dawn" by Anne Bishop. I'll probably get some kind of inspiration for stagnant stories somewhere.

Speaking of stories and characters, I've quickly fallen in love with Amber Kass and Clara Kim even more than with Dana Ryan and Ian Morgan - and Dana and Ian as a couple have been with me since my teen years. Sometimes I see Amber and Clara as Deanna Troi and Will Riker, a version of Imzadi for life, on and off for so many years before finally just saying "fuck it" and getting married and embracing their intense connections. This story takes place years after the wedding but I plan on doing many flashbacks. It will probably just turn into a big novel. That is fine.

Writing. Writing. Breathing. Breathing. Calming. Calming.
brightrosefox: (Default)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpcDEG_YD4k


When the monsters are sleeping under your bed
They’ve crawled out from under and into your head
And outside the carcass, into your skin
And you need someone to keep it like it’s said

Your wishes into the air
So someone listens, someone is there
And you won’t know anything about it
Until you have to live without it

Chasin’ the fire for you
Light in the night in bed
Watching from high above you

If you can make it then you saved your eyes
It doesn’t matter if you closed your eyes before you wake up
I’ll keep you safe tonight ‘cause I’m a warrior
And I’ll fight, I’ll fight, I’ll fight, I’ll fight

Your ears are moving behind your face
Your arms are directing the time and the place
And you only have to do the travelling
You don’t have to design the engine

Doin’ the fightin’ for you
Breakin’ the walls down
Finding the right one maybe

If you can make it then you saved your eyes
It doesn’t matter if you closed your eyes before you wake up
I’ll keep you safe tonight ‘cause I’m a warrior
And I’ll fight, I’ll fight, I’ll fight, I’ll fight

If you wake up in darkness before the dawn breaks
There is a strength inside in this magic and mistakes

Chasin’ the fire for you
Light in the night in bed
Watching from high above you

If you can make it then you saved your eyes
It doesn’t matter if you closed your eyes before you wake up
I’ll keep you safe tonight ‘cause I’m a warrior
And I’ll fight, I’ll fight, I’ll fight, I’ll fight

If you can make it then you saved your eyes
It doesn’t matter if you closed your eyes before you wake up
I’ll keep you safe tonight ‘cause I’m a warrior
And I’ll fight, I’ll fight, I’ll fight, I’ll fight
brightrosefox: (Default)
It was 1:40 in the afternoon by the time I finished this post; I began at 1:09.
I woke up at 11:30 only because my husband roused me and put a can of energy drink to my lips while helping me lift my upper body, right before my cat Rose sat on me and licked my whole face, until I managed to fall carefully off the edge of the bed, hobble to the bathroom, and take a hot shower while leaning against the wall. Wrapping my hair in a towel at least helped stretch my neck and shoulder muscles. I stumbled back to the bedroom, got partially dressed, swallowed my morning drugs and supplements (Trileptal, Klonopin, Ultram, Picamilon, L-Tyrosine, Guarana, Hyaluronic Acid, Ashwagandha, Devil's Claw, DMAE, Raspberry Ketones, Sea Buckthorn) with coffee (made with cocoa, milk, cocoa, sugar, and cocoa). I got fully dressed fell onto the bed, struggled back upright, performed very gentle exercises reminiscent of certain basic yoga poses with extreme modifications, pulled some muscles in my lower back, applied heat massage, complained to my cats out loud since they couldn't tell me that my only limits were mental, bad attitudes, set by myself, because my cats loved me without telling me how to do things.
And so now I am sitting at my work desk with my cocoa coffee, Futurama via the Roku box on my 20 inch flat screen TV, the fish tank full of happy serene fish doing happy serene fish things. The codeine and baclofen I just took have taken effect, and I feel human. You know what it's like to not feel human, or normal, or easy, right, internet? Are you sure? Because I see so many articles about how easy it is to break limits, or not even have limits by - get this, ha ha - pretending you don't have limits. I just wanted to show you what my days are like. Because it's going to continue. Soon, I'm going to take afternoon supplements (MSM, Biotin, Inositol, Noni, Mangosteen, Goji, Pau D'Arco, Shilajit, NAC, and the drug Soma - and if you worry that I take too many pills in a day, I am going to laugh very loudly and point to all the people who take even more pills, by which I mean prescription pharmaceuticals alone because supplements don't work for them).
And then I will gently exercise some more, and have I mentioned that through all this I write and edit fiction stories, that novel I sent to a major publisher and agent, blog posts, and long discussions with beloved online friends? And I will read three books at once, maybe four, bit by bit, and since my husband is actually home from work I will spend time with him. And then in the evening, I will take my nightly medicine (Ogestrel-Hi, Trileptal, Zoloft, Soma, Apple Pectin Fiber, Chia Seed, Passion Flower), and crawl into bed like a bruised person, hopefully make fantastic love with my husband and have a wonderful, pain-relieving orgasm or four that will help me sleep blissfully (because sometimes it hurts too much to have sex but I do it anyway because it counts as medicine). And then I will wake up, either to see my husband off to work or to rouse myself, probably not until after 10:00 AM or so, and it will all continue, probably with additional errands and house chores.

There it is, internet. You have now seen my daily disabled life. I got lucky when I was approved for SSDI in 2012; I am lucky that I get enough monthly payments to keep me going alongside my husband who works himself bruised. I am lucky that all my limbs actually work, even if they hurt constantly in various ways. I am lucky that I haven't been to a hospital since 2007, and that was for a concussion and seizure. I have a lot of luck on my side. I also have a lot of limits. So, dear internet, please do not tell me what I should do with my limits unless you mean to help me move those limits a little higher so I don't need to push, I just need to move up more. Pushing my limits is fine, but I would rather move those limits up more so I have more room to go before I run up against those limits again.

Ah - I forgot to add that on the days when depression and anxiety attack, I am often physically unable to do much for several hours. But nobody needs to hear about that. Clinical depression is still stigmatized so severely that I still feel very uncomfortable discussing it. Also, I didn't mention the tiny complex moments when the cerebral palsy trips me up in many ways, because that would take forever. And I didn't mention the specifics of epilepsy, or fibromyalgia, or any neurological and neuropsychological conditions like ADHD Inattentive and OCD and Dyscalculia. Nor did I mention the specifics of fibromyalgia or various nerve issues, because who cares? That's boring. But it is all there.

Also, for those wondering why I take raspberry ketones, which have been touted as some sort of weird weight loss miracle:
http://ezinearticles.com/?Raspberry-Ketones---6-Health-Benefits-Of-This-Natural-Remedy-Now-Revealed&id=6875845
They are actually highly antioxidant, a brain tonic, an anti-inflammatory, slightly analgesic, full of good omega fatty acids, and good for digestive health, with some research showing that it can slow cellular aging.

And I didn't mention the daily skin moisturizing. If I don't apply specific healing oils and extracts to my face, neck, chest, hands, arms, and legs... it's not a happy day.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/99942639/sale-41-marshmallow-and-manuka-soothing
http://www.etsy.com/listing/84293185/2in1-manuka-honey-amazonian-body-butter
http://absilk.com/ssbodylotion.html
http://absilk.com/extremecream.html
http://www.etsy.com/listing/111067887/beauty-by-brazil-all-natural-amazon
https://store.abbeystclare.com/skin-care/rice-olives-cleansing-and-facial-serum-amazing-skin-treatment-melts-away-eye-makeup.html
http://www.skinactives.com/EMUlator-Oil.html
http://sweetsationtherapy.com/item_339/LumiEssence-Body-Organic-Advanced-Brightening-Repair-Treatment-with-Kojic-Acid-Arbutin-Vitamin-C-5oz.htm
brightrosefox: (Default)
First written on Facebook. Important.

***
Okay. I am linking to that new Hyperbole And A Half blog post about depression again mostly because people have been messaging me asking me if I have seen it. I have read it so many times that I already linked to it at least three times. But I am also linking to it because I have much more to say.
And again, I shall repeat what else I have said:

Here is something I hate about my major depressive episodes: The only emotion I feel, aside from flatness and trembling, is crying. I hate crying. I don't know if this is "normal within the parameters of various depressive illnesses."
I don't know if involuntarily crying means that I feel something good enough, or that it just means I am Processing Things.
The strangest, smallest things make me shed tears. I don't feel sad or upset. I merely start leaking tears and choking up. It bothers me. I want to feel Nothing. I am chemically and psychologically unable to feel Nothing. Even when I am in The Fog with The Voices. I feel Everything. Except that it is not really a Feeling, it is a Knowing. It is a Knowing that causes physiological changes to make it look like Feelings, such as crying. It is horrible. All I want is to Exist without Feeling for a little while, until something makes me laugh or cry or feel rage. Even then, I want analytically work with it, turn it over and over, tap it until ripples and tap it until cracks form, and then I would stick it under a microscope.
I cannot help but Feel and Know. It makes me cry. Why?

And, see, this is another thing: Every person with Medical Depression has different experiences. My experiences are not quite the same as someone else's. Often, I am able to hide it. Often, I am able to fake being happy and fine. And when someone suggests I act silly and do funny things and read/watch funny things to "clear the depression" (LOL awww), a part of my brain shifts forward and announces "Okay, let's do this. We don't have to truly feel it, but we can be superficial about it. Can't hurt, right?"

My husband knows exactly what to do. He has had experience in ways no one else has. If I tell my husband I am in a Depressive Episode, he simply offers me something he knows I like. Chocolate or a fruit snack or a cheese snack, or an episode of Futurama or My Little Pony. Brushing the cats. He doesn't even try to talk me through with platitudes or "Why don't you exercise more or laugh more?" He just smiles, says, "I love you" and hugs me when I want to be hugged. He waits for me to feel slightly more genuine and then very subtly helps keep me floating in Genuine Feelings until I am able stay there on my own.

When I cry during an episode of depression, it is not because I am sad or upset or distressed. It is because my Reservoir of Cope is being so overflowed that it can only leak out as "crying" which is not actually "crying because I am sad and also what is sad" but which is in fact "Something inside me is too big and too wild and too intense and it will release itself in whatever way it sees fit." Same with laughing. I don't want people to be fooled. It doesn't go away that easily. The writer of Hyperbole And A Half, Allie Brosh, went through it for over a year and a half and is still recovering. For many depression sufferers, it is known as Tuesday.

All I ask is for patience. Do what you will. Do it naturally. Laugh, play, be comedic. And I will put on that necessary costume, allow that coping part of my brain to shift forward, and I will laugh, play, and be comedic right along with you. Eventually - be it days or weeks or months - I will no longer need the costume as the coping part of my brain gently moves back to its home. I will feel Genuine if not Better. I will have honest full feelings of Not Depression At All.
(Not every depression patient can do this, though; be aware.)
But here is what I do not want: Platitudes. Blatant attempts to cure me with anything, be it herbs or drugs or foods or exercises. The analogy of the dead fish written in Allie's blog post.
And here is what I do want: Friendship. Plain old simple friendship. Love. Companionship. No need to help me heal myself. I will do that on my own because it is what I do.
Again, for reference...
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Original post:
I want to say "My clinical depression has slightly lifted because I had pep talks with friends and because I looked at adorable cat pictures on the internet!" I want to say "I feel slightly less horridly depressed because everyone tells me to refocus my feelings, since even Nothingness and Random Tears Without Distress are feelings!" I want to say so many things.
But right now, I just want to write stream of consciousness fiction until my amygdala screams and implodes. Maybe that will help lift the depression. Maybe it won't. Maybe it will trigger a seizure or two.
Maybe it will turn all these Wait Are These Actual Emotions? into Real Emotions! that I can have honest reactions to, beyond my Reservoir of Cope being so overflowed that it can only leak out as "crying" which is not actually "crying because I am sad and also what is sad I don't know" but which is in fact "Something inside me is too big and too wild and too intense and it will release itself in whatever way it sees fit."
And so, I will continue to write stream of consciousness, and I will continue to reply to people who tell me "Just smile! Just cheer up! Life is beautiful!" with gentle headpats and "Aww, you are so adorable, you think you're antidepressants!"
Eventually, something will happen. Something will push me though. That always happens. I just need to look for it and hold onto it in a long, whimpering hug, until it makes me feel myself again.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
***
brightrosefox: (Default)
I did not write this. I just shared it.

***

Originally posted by [livejournal.com profile] naamah_darling at NIMH does the smart thing, ditches the DSM
The National Institute of Mental Health is abandoning the DSM.

This is potentially monumental, and I've seen very little mention of it anywhere. Partly, I think, because people don't really grok how big a deal this is.

This is a very good thing, and for those who don't grasp why, I will try to explain. (Though the link does a really great job of it, so really, you can just go read it.)

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is a big-ass book released by the American Psychiatric Association that provides a standard method of categorization for mental illnesses based on related symptoms. Like a dictionary, it has given doctors, psychiatrists, and other medical professionals a common vocabulary with which to describe and define mental illness, so they are using the same terms in more or less the same ways, and arriving at consistent (even if they are sometimes inaccurate) diagnoses. It has been revised several times since the first edition in 1952, and has been released in four, soon to be five, major versions.

It has been a useful tool, but it is now insufficient. Over and above the fact that it has always and still does pathologize certain normal, healthy behaviors, which I won't go into here, it relies on a primarily medical definition of mental illness. It does not place a diagnosis in context with the patient's environment or upbringing, etc., or even with their experience of their symptoms.*

That would perhaps be tolerable, but . . . the DSM does this by relying on a purely symptomatic mode of classification, without taking into account underlying neurological/biological causes – different things may cause similar symptoms. So, it reduces mental illness to medical causes . . . but doesn't then require there to be a common cause. Disorders are defined by symptom clusters, and not by actual, you know, hard data about neurotransmitters, brain activity, and so forth.

To liken it to something more familiar, chest pain might be caused by blocked blood vessels in the heart, or might be caused by acid reflux. If we were working by the DSM model of diagnosis via symptomatic classification, they would both be the same, yet I am sure every single person reading this understands that a heart attack and heartburn are not at all the same thing. Classifying them under the same category and treating them the same would be disastrous. (The linked article uses the exact same example, yes. Because it's perfect.)

The more we learn about mental illness, the more we learn that it is a tremendously complicated thing. What seems to be one category of illness (depression) can actually be two or more conditions which appear similar but stem from very different biological causes. Depression might be caused by a lack of serotonin. It might be caused by a lack of dopamine. It might be caused by a thyroid imbalance. There is more than one chemical irregularity responsible for the set of symptoms we call "depression."

As an example from my actual life, until recently, bipolar disorder was not divided into bipolar I and bipolar II. There was just bipolar I, which is the classic "manic-depression" that everyone's probably heard of. You didn't get classified as bipolar unless you had manic states. Because this automatically excluded people whose bipolar disorder skewed toward the depressive side and seldom or never ticked into the manic, or excluded people who didn't recognize mania for what it was, bipolar II was often diagnosed as unipolar depression.

When you treat bipolar II like unipolar depression, you can get a very sick and possibly dead bipolar II person. At the very least, you get a person who doesn't get better, because bipolar disorder does not just go away. SSRI drugs, often the first line of defense against depression, usually do not work on bipolar depression. You can see why this sucks.

This mistake is part of why my mother was never diagnosed properly, and why her depression was never managed. She suffered needlessly because of it. For a long time, I did, too. There are ugly real-world consequences to the symptoms-only approach. Not just human suffering, but jacking up data that could have led to better treatments.

Imagine all the bipolar II people who were thought to be depressed who were doubtless included in data collections, in experiments, altering the results. SSRIs don't work on bipolar people, but bipolar II people totally made it into SSRI testing. We can't know what kind of effect this has had. We can know that it isn't good. It's not leading to better drugs. It's not leading to better treatment. It's leading to mistakes. It's leading us to ditch treatments that only work on 10% of people with a particular symptom, when those 10% are mostly people with a totally different underlying condition. That treatment, applied only to the people with that condition, might be 60% effective or more. We have lost opportunities because of this. It is a certainty.

Back in the dark ages, we went at everything symptomatically because we had no way to understand what was happening inside us. We thought that fevers were caused by poisonous emanations from the earth, or evil spirits. Medical treatment was often "bleed more, poop more, puke more, one of those will make you feel better." Well, now we understand things a lot more thoroughly, and we acknowledge that treating the root cause of a thing is better than going after the symptoms and not resolving the issue. Why address lethargy, weight gain, depression, constipation, high cholesterol, and infertility with who knows how many drugs and treatments when you could just treat a simple thyroid hormone deficiency with one very cheap and easy to obtain drug?

This approach has not really spread to mental health yet. Frankly, that's because we do not yet understand the causes well enough to treat them. Without understanding the causes, something like the DSM has some value, diagnostically. It gives us something to go on, and its not completely horrible or inaccurate or anything, just inadequate and far too broad. Clinging to it is unjustifiable.

NIMH's new protocol, the Research Domain Criteria project, or RDoC, is not a new classification system, it will be the framework for gathering data to fill in the gaping holes in our understanding of how mental illness actually works.

Essentially, NIMH, which carries out a great deal of very important mental health information-gathering and research, is jettisoning the DSM as a classification system for purposes of that information-gathering and research. Currently, the DSM classifications are used when researching mental illness, which biases results inherently in favor of those classifications.

It is not going to transform what doctors do and how they treat mental illness starting tomorrow. What it will do is lead us to a better understanding of mental illness, and over time that will lead to radically better treatment.

This is a big step forward for mental health research. In my opinion, we will start seeing results surprisingly soon, as the first waves of research yield more accurate information. There is so much we don't know that increasing the data set even a little bit is going to improve things.

I'm excited about this. I look forward to seeing what new things we learn.

(The fact that NIMH's announcement comes only a few weeks before the DSM-5 is released amuses me.)

* Example: I "hear voices." Also, I am sometimes other people, a little bit. The DSM doesn't acknowledge those things as a deliberately and carefully cultivated coping mechanism, only as a bad thing indicative of other bad things. In context, it is healthy. In the book, it's pathological. Regardless, it's a sanity-saver, and one I continually seek to reinforce. Doesn't matter how it looks on paper. Say hello to the boys. They keep me safe.

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brightrosefox: (Default)
Well, I find myself in a sudden, abrupt, creepy Charybdis tunnel of depression with panic, a violent episode that is making me want to rip my skin off... which means that the fibromyalgia, hypersensitivity, synesthesia, and sensory processing disorder have jumped into the fray. I know the world is not ending. I know the world is not ending. I know the world is not ending.
I need my cats to nuzzle me and nibble my cheekbones and purr very loudly in my ears, because I know the world is not ending.

Klonopin, to me! Lepidolite gemstone, to me!

Best thing for me, might be contradictory... taking shallow breaths while rocking back and forth, knees to chest, because everything is fine, I am not having an out of body experience, all is well, my skin is not on fire, I am fine, my brain is not going to destroy my sense of self.

Someone tell me a story, any story.
brightrosefox: (Default)
My cats.
My wonderful, amazing, hilarious, magical cats.
No matter what the worst of humanity does, my cats are there to love me. When the best of humanity rises up to help the wounded and devastated, my cats are there to love me.

Animals are awesome.

I said a lot of things on Facebook.
I no longer want to burn humanity to the ground. Nor do I want to find some gateway to another dimension. We humans really are more loving than we are cruel.
Things will be all right.
We shall continue.

I am calm now.
I am listening to soothing music. I am watching amusing comedy. I have been medicated because Fucking Ow My Everything.

The world will be here no matter what. And I will love and be loved. That works.
brightrosefox: (Default)
This is weird and... funny. Mildly depressed and panicky, but also with a fast brain moving so fast that I am almost laughing hysterically. ADHD Inattentive episode maybe? Because I don't have Hyperactivity, just Daydreamer Activity, as it... hang on, shiny... what was I saying? Is that a dove? Sorry, you were saying? Oh, have you seen my kyanite pendant? Fuck, I don't know what I was about to say. Oh! As it turns out. Adam has full on Hyperactivity to the point where as a child, he was tied to a chair and the chair started vibrating. To the point where if he was running through the house and met a wall he just went through the drywall into the next room. Where he bounced off the ceiling and left sneaker-prints. It took him decades of drugs and then intense meditative techniques to keep it tampered down. He now channels it through work and art and video games. It has become an advantage - until he runs out of things to do. And suddenly our house is covered in canvases with abstract, impressionist, minimalist landscape and surrealist paintings, and stonework carved with electric drills.

Now, the funny thing is that I've got Inattentive, Over-Focused, With Anxiety, and With Depression... depending on what my brain is trying to do. For example, right now, I am having a With Anxiety episode during a major depressive episode on its own. It feels very, very weird.
http://newideas.net/different-types-adhd

So. Yes. Um. Depressive episode with ADHD Inattentive Anxiety episode? I don't know. I need to get ready for my pain specialist appointment.

Also, I need breakfast. Acai Vanilla Greek yogurt will do fine.
brightrosefox: (Default)
So, I'm not going to fully describe the four distinct simple partial seizures, the Raynaud's flare, the lumbar and sciatic spasms that literally crippled me and put me on the floor writhing, the chondromalacia patella flare that was just purely evil, the spastic hemiplegic flare that left my entire left side feeling ghost-like, the fibromyalgia burning that I compared to nerves hooked on heated barbed wire and connective tissues touching a bonfire - skin included - the sinus and jaw pain caused by my generally being irritated, the depression, the twitching anxiety.
Details are pointless. But since I am a disability advocate, I will leave this open for questions and stories and understandings and commiserations and complaints, since a huge percentage of my Friends List is disabled in some way.

My female cats are taking turns jumping on my lap and nuzzling me, occasionally preventing me from getting up. Obviously I could remove the cats from my lap at will, but I don't want to, and also they kind of dig in because they really want to hang out. Fine by me.

Although, if anyone actually wants details, please ask. You never know.
brightrosefox: (Default)
So there was a seizure. It lasted four to five minutes. I am ridiculously discombobulated and typing very slowly. Dysphasia abounds. Typing is easier than talking. Spasticity is violent. Shaking is violent. Burning, stabbing, electrifying, gnawing.
My Rose kitten was on my lap and purring and licking my face and my face. I was away. I sensed my body, arms crossed, rocking back and forth, falling back in the chair, mouth open, head to the side. I heard things. Futurama on TV, dialogue mushy. My cat purring. I felt unchained and inside a plunging elevator. I begged for Alicia. Everything was so dark. Someone took my hands, hugged me close. I glimpsed long shining blond hair I cried and yowled. I just wanted home. I felt too weak.
As I began to awaken, my first words were "Rose... Rose... kitty..." and my right arm lifted and I managed to touch her and pet her. She nuzzled my fingers. I cried and gasped.
Now the world feels so strange. I must sleep. Is it all right to sleep? I remember days, weeks, months ago... someone yelled at me and insulted me. I don't remember, I don't care. I remember minutes, hours ago... someone was talking about makeup colors to ease my panic. I was comforted, entertained. People were commiserating. I felt like a member of a powerful group. I was a warrior in the world. I am a drained tired weak sad warrior. I am covered in blood. I want to sleep.
Can I sleep?
I am a Dragon Princess, too.
I can't remember the episode; only cool, velvet darkness, and a blond woman holding me. I remember breathing in cold dry air. I remember thirst. I remember crying so hard.
My skin hurts.
I am typing this with two fingers.
Can I sleep now?
My head hurts.
My soul hurts.
I am still a warrior.
Can I rest now?

I must write this down. I must, I must. I need records. This journal must know. As much as I can.
Two fingers. It hurts so much.
Those pain pills are working well. I am grateful.
I am thirsty. I am dizzy. I may crawl to bed. I have many canes. I will not crawl, not if something can hold me up.
I want a hug. A cuddle. I want someone to say, "I love you. Everything is wonderful."
Even online friends can do that. I do not care what anyone says. Some of my greatest loves are online, states away across the country, and I will never let go.
I love you. Everything is wonderful.
May I sleep now?
brightrosefox: (Default)
Double facepalm and headdesk.
I am momentarily displeased.
Just because I acknowledge my limitations for my disabilities does not mean I have given up on myself nor accepted all my weakness. Oh, people are stupid assholes. With the inspiration porn and the insistence that there are no limits etcetera. El Oh El and various expressions of mirth.

Other than that I feel wonderful. I mean, despite the fever, migraine, flares of fibromyalgia and sciatica and spasticity and anxiety, and general aches. Life happens, life is funny.

No simple "I'm so sorry please feel better" comments, please. I get it, you want to say something. You are welcome to feel sorrow for my predicaments, of course, but unless you can follow it up with insightful and inspiring sentences, it is unnecessary. Most of the time it just feels... well, unnecessary. I wish I could think up a stronger word, but the thesaurus part of my brain is slightly broken and is being mended. I am happy enough to receive "hugs" comments. But I am going to quote a friend: "Please say something actually useful to me beyond that you want to hug me." Oh, I sound crude. I suppose it happens when a brain and body won't work properly and there is only pain and irritation and frustration...
Well, this is a journal. This is my journal. It is where I journal my thoughts. Hello, thoughts.
Time for some rest, perhaps.
brightrosefox: (Default)
Last night was deeply not fun and very aggravating. I have gotten surprisingly good at typing through the start of seizures and the end of waking from seizures. Facebook is testament. I typed out a whole status post about how I was about to go under. I went under. I came out of it. I typed out a whole status post to say I was okay. I don't actually remember it. Hah.

I remember feeling my head fall back against the back of my leather chair, my whole body sinking down, my mouth falling open. I went inside my brain, and already I was grasping Alicia's hand and we were running. No surroundings, just light and color streaming past. My head was pounding and my legs were burning and I desperately wanted to rest, but her grip was like steel. Her voice echoed: "It's okay; we're almost at the end. You can make it." I began to cry. I whispered, "I want Serena." Alicia said with pure compassion, "She's right at the end. I promise." I focused on her blond hair flying behind her, on her bright blue eyes and the determination glowing in them.
There was an end. Some sort of tunnel, rocky and jagged. Through the opening, I could see a wall made of bronze. A figure was moving toward the opening, and I knew that long long dark hair, those deep green eyes. I flung out my left arm while squeezing Alicia's hand with my right hand - I couldn't let go yet or I would be lost. Serena reached out her right hand, just shy of the force field around the opening. Alicia pushed me far enough to where my arm passed through and I could grab Serena's hand. The women nodded and smiled at each other, and Serena pulled me all the way through and gathered me into a tight embrace. I closed my eyes, opened my mouth to speak, to cry...
My body twitched and jerked. I opened my eyes, feeling my eyelids physically flutter. My neck hurt. My shoulders and back hurt. My head hurt. Everything hurt. I couldn't go back to Serena unless I put myself under again. I let myself cry and weep for a few minutes. It took a while, but I was able to drag myself to the bedroom, where Rose and Jupiter curled up with me and purred me to sleep.
brightrosefox: (Default)
Oh.
I see.
Thanks, brain chemistry and such.

Hey, other people with clinical major depression: It really does get better... but it is a long, long, insane, wild climb to reach the top of the lighthouse. Best to have people who can cheer you on, hold you when needed, remind you why you are awesome. Because the beasts below you deep inside your brain probably will not let you go easily. But that is what proper weaponry is for.

*is wielding drugs and treatments and exercises like swords and spears and possibly like directed-energy weapons, because phasers are cool*

(Look, I know not everyone is big on getting treatments like psychoptherapy and drugs whether pharmaceutical or herbal or holistic, but something needs to happen. It is a long fall and it is a long climb. And being perky with happy thoughts does not count as actual medicine. No, it really doesn't, sorry.)

Sigh.

The anxiety attack was brief and was about nothing, and supplements actually took care of it. The little monster just didn't have much fight in it. But the depressive episode hit like a wild thing, teeth gnashing. No matter how loudly I growled back at it, the beast grew, until it filled the rest of my brain and paced. And so I keep moving, fighting, handling. It is how I was born.
brightrosefox: (Default)
"All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in the rain." -Rutger Hauer, "Blade Runner

Hello, partial seizures. You are absolutely fascinating when I know what you're all doing at the same time. You are like old friends come for tea only to destroy my home and spin like dervishes so mind-bending, so hypnotic, so seductive, that all I can do is stare and feel euphoric and frightened simultaneously, unable to breathe until you end your wild magic dancing.
Hello, fibromyalgia pain. I can feel you weaving and winding through my connective tissue and other biological tissues, like intricate artistic spider webs made of fire and ice and steel and iron. No matter what I hear and read, I know where you are, why you are dancing inside me throughout every bit of tissue and nerve and bone.
Hello, cerebral palsy spasticity and brain damage. I can feel you rushing throughout every part of me, brain and body, shrieking with delight while the wind in my nerves swirls around you at every turn, pulling you close like so many lovers, so many hands and heads attached to a single body that never separates and never sleeps, always hunting for more, in the light and the dark of every system in my body. You are my closest friend and closest enemy and we will never be without each other. Together we will live forever.

"Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping left its seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone. Narrow streets of cobblestone. 'Neath the halo of a street lamp I turn my collar to the cold and damp when my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light that split the night and touched the sound of silence.
And in the naked light I saw ten thousand people maybe more. People talking without speaking. People hearing without listening. People writing songs that voices never shared.
No one dared disturb the sound of silence."

-"Sound Of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel
brightrosefox: (Default)
In agreement with another disabled friend's rant about "disability inspiration porn" (dear gods, that is actually a thing, and I want to cry).

First, I'm going to quote the entire rant because it is worth quoting.
Read more... )

And my own reply with rant:

THANK YOU. FUCK YES.

Also, that poster with the skating guy and the little girl where they both have amputated legs and are skating on... what are those? Converted hockey sticks? And it says "The Only Disability In Life Is A Bad Attitude." - Scott Hamilton (I think the guy is Hamilton? I don't know). And I FUCKING RAGE every time I see it.

My friends tell me how powerful I am, how much they feel inspired by my ability to just fucking LIVE MY LIFE alongside all my various disabilities. That's cool. It's not the disability that inspires them; it's the person making the disabilities work with life. Good. Excellent. I want people to see me like that. I want people to say, "Hey, awesome, she does stuff and works with her disabilities to compensate and compromise everything. She is strong because she has to be. I like that. Go her!" They never say, "Aww, look at her, doing stuff despite being disabled... isn't she amazing? I'm so proud and inspired!" Because, ugh. And they all agree. My friends are awesome. Also they don't put up with my shit, because I am human and I make mistakes and we laugh at my slip-ups, because being disabled means being able to laugh at yourself.

I am able to maneuver around my chronic illnesses and find ways around my limitations, rather than trying to push myself to my limits or smash through my limits - which is another bullshit thing. "The only limitations you have are in your mind!" followed by "Tee hee!" And FUCK THAT. I can raise my limits and keep reaching for them. I can find ways to circumvent those limits. But I fucking have my limits, assholes. Shut the fuck up.

Those who know and love me love me for ME, not the fascination of my disability. I am not some fairy tale ideal creature to strive for. I am a gods damn CRIPPLE. I am nobody's hero. I am a fucking gimp. I am a person, a disabled person, a person with disabilities, living my life, not actually caring about how what I do affects non-disabled people. So people can shut up and leave me alone.
I mean, unless I ask for help when my disabilities make it hard for me to do something. And even then, they are not allowed to think of me as inspirational. I am not a Hallmark card. I can be an asshole. I am HUMAN. Quit staring at me with stars in your eyes.

So, yeah... ;-)

Ahhh. I feel better now.

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